I need to see intrinsic value in God rather than instrumental value. Half the time I am worshipping I’m not sure whether I’m trying to earn His love or thank Him for it. How do I move beyond the morality of a five-year-old who does things in order to avoid punishment or earn rewards?
Maybe since my fear of pain is so intense, the only way I can get beyond the morality of a five-year-old is by asking God to lessen that fear. I can be thankful that He is willing to save me from Hell, but I cannot come to Him for his mercy alone because that is selfish. I have to love Him for all His attributes and not just focus on the ones of most benefit to me.
At one point, God told me that I have felt more feelings than I have known so maybe I have felt love toward Him that was not self-serving. However, I can never be sure since when I am worshipping, I try not to think too much or analyze how I am feeling so I guess I just have to trust that I am worshipping for the right reasons as long as I let go of distractions.
Constantly criticizing my motives of worship actually shows a doubt in God since I am so exceedingly critical of myself that sometimes I force myself to cry just to feel something authentic. This shows that I am doubting the authenticity of other emotions in my heart. I prefer crying to all else since it makes me focused, it is longer-lasting, and it’s harder for me to deny it was ever there once it starts. I have to be able to trust that my other emotional responses to God are authentic, however fleeting they are.
I should think of more reasons to worship that are not selfish…because it’s true and, though it may seem strange, it is what it is. And since it’s true, then that means we were made to worship God so it makes sense that He would fill us with unselfish reasons to worship since worship is so important to Him. Therefore, I need to stop worrying and start letting go…start trusting that He will gradually make me less selfish.