Pride, Lies and Passion

I realized I am quiet the liar.

I was driving today and started turning right.  Suddenly my friends start making nervous sounds so I figure something is wrong.  Sure enough, I see a pedestrian crossing the street and she is almost at the point where she is in front of my car.  I made the turn without hitting her, but if the timing had been any different, I would have almost run her over since I wasn’t even paying attention to pedestrians to begin with.  I usually pay attention to pedestrians, but it was a busy intersection and I was paying too much attention to cars.  Anyway, I am disappointed in myself because I lied to my friends and told them I did see the pedestrian but thought I could make it – which I did make it, but since she already started crossing the street, most cars would have waited whether or not they could make it in front of her.

Lying is always bad, but especially in this case because it demonstrates denial and pride, plus it prevents my friends from making informed decisions about who they want to carpool with.  Basically, I think they deserve to know the truth and make a decision for themselves as to whether or not they want to continue getting rides.  Granted, once I repent, I will probably learn from my mistake, but there are so many other driving mistakes that I could make and all of them are serious, even the ones that I emerge from unscathed.  And unfortunately,  I HAVE to experience close calls sometimes in order to learn a memorable lesson.  It would be nice if I could just make a commitment to watch out for the mistake to begin with, but sometimes we have to learn the hard way.  I am just thankful that in this case, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

(I don’t know why I am posting this in blog.  I’m probably freaking you all out and you probably want to grab the keys out of my hand right away.  You are totally justified in wanting to do that).

However, change is a comin’ …

“Dear God, I am sorry for lying and I am sorry for the pride.  I can see why this mistake had to happen.  I was slowly realizing my pride weeks beforehand, but I really wasn’t taking any action to reduce it.  Since I wasn’t, you did it for me – maybe not in the most desirable way, but in a very memorable and effective way for sure.

I want to ask you whether or not I should tell my friends the truth of my capacity to focus on multiple things while driving.  The fact is, you risk your life every time you get in a car, but more so with new drivers.  If they say they do not want rides anymore, I wouldn’t be insulted.  I would totally understand.  I would feel a little less useful, but our value as people does not solely come from what we have to offer others – it comes from what we have to offer You.

I have found recently, that I love giving advice, I love helping people and I love feeling needed and smart.  However, I think it has gone too far.  Please forgive me, Lord.  Thank you for this lesson in pride.  I really really needed it.  However, I have to stop worrying about the severity of what happened because I know I will continue to beat myself up forever.  The correct response would be to repent and experience sincere sorrow for a few minutes rather than experience self-pity brewing beneath the surface for days and days.

Please help me walk in a disciplined manner like a girl who acknowledges her past mistakes but uses them for good rather than letting them overwhelm her with anxiety.  I need to be attentive while I’m driving but not to the point where I am anxious.

Most of the mistakes I make (not driving mistakes), I do not care that much about since they are habits and I am used to them.  I ought to care about them, but that’s a story for another day.  Right now I am focusing on the moment and in this moment, I feel so thankful that You made me care so much about this mistake.  This “needing to feel needed” thing is fairly new to me so I naturally feel more hopeful about overcoming it since it is not yet a habit.  I am sorry that my self-worth means more to me than You.  Please fix that in your mighty power.”

Once I fix this, I still have many more flaws to work on but, although there are thousands of changes to be made, that doesn’t make each individual change any less significant.

Just now, I almost experienced hopelessness about overcoming my strong attachment to earthly things – this includes thoughts.  I am really agitated right now because I forgot what I was going to write about.  I am very attached to my plans, and my plan just a moment ago was to write about a certain something and because that didn’t happen, I feel like fighting incessantly to get them back.  In reality, if the thought was that valuable, it will come up again when the time is right.

Some things we need to fight for, but not all our plans are worth pursuing with a fiery, stubborn passion.  Having a fiery passion for something means that we are all the more distraught when it is not immediately obtainable.  Most things I have a fiery passion for, such as writing, are things that I pursue in a relentless manner, attempting to collect every single useful thought on the page.  I’m the type of person who likes to leave no stone unturned and nothing overlooked.  My aim is to be extremely thorough with almost everything I do.  God forbid, if I don’t write down a really important thought – my whole world will fall apart – not really but you know what I mean.

I do believe, however, that I will literally have an emotional breakdown if my computer crashes and I lose my writing.  So, while I make fun of myself for this, it’s really a serious problem.  Because, again, my value does not come from my earthly possessions, and thoughts are an earthly possession.  God does not care how much you wrote during your lifetime or how thorough you were in self-analysis.  He cares about how much you love Him based on how you respond to His opportunity for change.  He is more thorough than we are in His analysis of us, and He will reveal each part we need to work on in a systematic manner that does not overwhelm us.  When I do self-analysis, the floodgates open and I am overwhelmed.

Recently, I feel like I have been trying to focus on one thing at a time.  A couple days ago, I was focusing my writing on how I would like to write more often without feeling constrained by style and eloquency.  Today, I am writing effortlessly, just like I had hoped for.  So, if you just focus on improving one thing at a time, God will change you.

Focused pleas for help show true passion.  Scrambled pleas for help show God that you do not have the faith to pursue even one of them.  I am speaking in general terms.

I love writing.  It is my deepest desire to get something published someday.  Notice, how I said desire, not plan.  Once it becomes a plan, then I become stubborn and it’s my way or the highway.

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