Sometimes, I operate under the assumption that I am uniquely plagued with tormenting thoughts of an evil God. I use this “mental disorder” as justification for not reading God’s Word and complaining when I do. I want others to pity me and my mental handicap. I want to blame the Bible for being so confusing and turning me against God. Yes, I want others to pity me and get mad at the Bible. That is what I want sometimes.
However, I am not the only one who suffers from this so-called “mental disorder” when it comes to trusting God’s goodness. No one feels love and faith every time they open the Bible. We all have times where our flesh convinces us we don’t need God – and worse, that the God of the Bible is evil. Do we let it defeat us and decide not to pursue God until our hearts change? No. We pursue Him anyway because we know that the battle to believe is inevitable.
When God’s word causes me anger and distress, I can choose to recognize the lies and fight for the truth. I want my last thoughts before closing the Bible to be true thoughts. That way, I know I didn’t give up the fight. I give up so easily, when God’s power is so close at hand.
“I can’t,” is my verbalized excuse but, “I don’t want to,” is my hidden excuse. When I refuse to admit that God is good, I tell people it’s because I am not capable of such a feat – my heart and mind are too plagued with mental disorders. In reality, the reason that I won’t admit that God is good is because I simply don’t want to. I don’t want to be humble, and I don’t want to profess beliefs that could offend others.