When My Hope Disappears

feeling hopelessRecently, my optimism has been evaporating. So many people are dying. I see it on the news, and I hear personal stories every day from friends, neighbors and coworkers.

So the pessimism begins. You know how hearing encouraging stories gives you hope? Well the opposite is true as well. Instead of being hopeful about life, I am now terrified. As stubborn as I am, I’m strangely prone to changing my beliefs on a whim. Even though I’ve chosen to trust God, I’ve turned back when things get confusing.

While the soil is rocky, I think my faith is still existent as evidenced by the fact that I miss God terribly during this “crisis of faith.” I’m seeking him, but I’m still holding tightly to my understanding of what is good. Is God good? Is it a mean kind of good or is it a compassionate kind of good?

For a long time, I viewed God as demanding and impatient. Then, there were several months where I viewed him as patient and compassionate. At that point, I thought the battle was over.

I was naïve. The battle continues. And so it will for everyone until the end of time. The question is, will we make charitable assumptions about what God is up to in this world, or will we assume that the presence of suffering proves that he cares very little for us?


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